Guinea Pig

25. February, 2009

Disclaimer: This is a cynical virtual diary of my journey through Fallout 3. If you don’t like strong language or cynicism, this is not for you.

Moira actually talked me into becoming her guinea pig. Isn’t that what women are for? The things I do to get get laid …

The first task was simple enough. Go to this old supermarket and kill everyone inside. You didn’t believe when she said “abandoned”, did you? I only regret that I didn’t notice the old protectron in the back earlier. Could have done some slice’n’dice for me. Instead I had to waste another bullet to be able to loot it myself.

On the way to the market, I ran over an old school. Yeah, over – not into. Think “bulldozer” instead of “tourist”. Why do these guys have to leave such a mess? I almost tripped in the pools of blood on the ground floor! One day, I’ll find a way to pick up a bucket and a mop. Then, they’ll have to clean the level before I kill them!

Found some new friends, too. Great guys from a “Talon Company”. They seem to be into field delivery of supplies. You know. Guns and armor. And bullets. Plus a little workout to make it worth my time. I like it. Right on, commander!

After returning, I had to stand in the cold, radiated water next to the bomb until I feel sick. I felt sick after a few seconds … can’t this old fool stop mumbling for even five seconds? I’ve been watching him. He’s standing there, slobbering at the thing as if it was the greatest invention since the big bang. The original one. You know? 14 billions years ago? That one. Right. Where was I? Oh, yeah, he’s standing there, mumbling, day in and day out, 24/7. I get fried by the radiation after only a few minutes but this guy … ignorance is blizz. It just seems that the radiation in the water ignores me ignoring it.

After surviving that mostly intact … I hope … thinking about it, I wonder what that trip did to my most precious parts … damn! Maybe Moira is a better actress than I thought. Anyway. I have to visit a playground in a minefield. Knowing that things ain’t gonna be so easy, I start my exploration of the city Minefield from the back side. And what would you know, there is this old cracker running around, firing bullets at me. Why is everyone so hostile around here? A headshot emphasizes my peaceful intentions. After that, I can loot to my heart’s contents. There is so much stuff, I can hardly walk back home.

If I was asked, I would be hard pressed to say whether I prefer to kill or to loot. Maybe I’d be happy with looting alone. It’s only that people are so egoistic. They only always think of themselves instead of me!

Shootout Cancelled

23. February, 2009

Disclaimer: This is a cynical virtual diary of my journey through Fallout 3. If you don’t like strong language or cynicism, this is not for you.

Talked to lots of people. Weirdos. Only this Mr. Burke seemed to a nice guy. He gave me some equipment to wipe this rotten town from the landscape. Hm. That gave me some cool ideas.

Messing with a bomb is more complicated than it looks. Nothing that a little help from my friends can’t fix. One pill later, the bomb is as dangerous as a paperweight. OK, one that glows in the dark, but hey, that only makes it more useful!

Now for the fun part.

I visit Simms. You remember Simms? The sheriff? The nice guy? Whoa did that change when I showed him Burke’s toys. I stay on his heels as he races to the saloon to have word with Burky. One word for you: Shootout. Yes! Finally! Haven’t seen fresh blood for several hours by now, getting itchy.

It’s great to watch that sleaze slime his way around Simms. I was laughing so hard, I almost couldn’t keep my 10mm pinpointed on Burky’s head.

But Simms was a big disappointment. Really. Instead of crippling Burky’s arms and legs, search him, one bullet in the head, and then ask questions, he turns his back on the guy! Oh well. Got what he deserved and I got all the goods from both of ’em. For only two bullets, too. Only … how do I get my house keys, now? And come to think of it … how do I know that Simms was supposed to give me the keys to “my” house … he never mentioned that when we talked. Odd.

Offered the ghoul behind the bar some really fresh meat but Gob (that’s his name) didn’t want it. Apparently, only zombies eat human meat. The things you learn out here! Amazing.

Time to cash some of the loot at Moira’s. Nice body in the blue skin. I feign interest in her stupid idea of a book. Hey! My girlfriend dumped me before I had sex with her! A man gotta do what a man gotta do, right? Right!

Just Got The Boot

21. February, 2009

Disclaimer: This is a cynical virtual diary of my journey through Fallout 3. If you don’t like strong language or cynicism, this is not for you.

First day. My girlfriend just gave me the boot. Threw me out of 101, too. Stupid bitch. Next time, she can kill her father herself. Why was he yelling anyway? I didn’t let my father just walk out on me. And I only clubbed ten or twelve or so of his security into a pulp with my baseball bat. Some people!

I wonder what I did yesterday. Somehow, I can only remember three days of my past life. Odd.

Blast. It’s so … open. And that sun. No good for my complexion. Wasn’t  there supposed to be an eternal night after a global nuclear war? Black rain, thick cloud layer, downpour? Maybe it wasn’t so global after all. Probably just a few big gun freaks speaking their mind about politics in D.C. With the little I remember from history 101, they’re probably heroes of the world, now.

Anyway. That red thing on sticks is a water tank. Contaminated water. Great. Just what I need. Next, the food will be radiated, too! How did I ever deserve this?

Luckily, I ran into this town. Megaton. Built around a bomb. Weird. But funny. Megaton. Get it? Megaton? As in bomb? Ah, forget it.

The sheriff seems to be OK. But let’s not judge him to quickly. I’ll wait until he finds me in a big pool of blood. Someone else’s blood. Probably several someone else’s … but at that time, nobody will be left to worry about these petty details.