Dark Views

UV radiation is invisible but extended exposure causes sunburn. It can also cause skin cancer which leads to certain death if not treated immediately. What an appropriate name for a new DRM system.

My guess is that it will help to kill sales of digital media like no technology before it. Why?

1. It is supported by most of the important companies, so in a few years, you won’t be able to find consumer devices which don’t support it. Outside the OSS world that is.
2. Did you know that you buy products because you like them? If that is so, then the products you buy tell about your psyche. In which mood are you today? Did you buy ABBA or Motörhead? Hmm… Imagine who might long for such information and how much.
3. Finally you don’t have to spend hours selecting music for a friend, a coupon is enough. You can’t buy the music for them anymore because you can’t give it away anymore. Anything you buy will be yours. And yours only. Except if they are members of your family. Finally children can know what their parents read. And which movies the parents watch after the children were sent to bed. Did you know that most parents turn to their children for help with electronic devices?
4. At long last DVDs and BlueRay disks will “just work“. No more sitting in front of a black screen because your DVD player can’t play the disk in the drive. And you won’t get an FBI warning either. They will know where you live the instant you try to play “content” you didn’t buy and sue you. Or kick your door in. Whatever they feel like. You’re just a petty criminal, like the molesters, thieves, murderers and other scum.
5. UV will be anywhere (like in daylight). There will be no way to avoid it. Unless you stop buying. What an odd idea. Why would you stop giving money to greed…great companies who sue toddlers? Babies stink anyway. Stop making them. They only pollute the planet even more, they take room, breathe our air, eat our food and then refuse to pay for our pension. Buy more music instead! In UV2, we’ll figure out a way to sell condoms, too. Everything for our consumers!
6. Of course this is a very complex technology, so the company behind it has meticulously created a roadmap which makes sure the most important features are available first. Which will be the ones that are paid for. By the companies using the technology to sell you stuff. But don’t worry. Eventually, when they run out of ideas how to spend the fortune they’ll make, they will eventually consider adding features for consumers. Eventually. Housing on the moon is so expensive. But well worth it: You can’t hear the complaints. And the view is priceless.
7. Only very few, unimportant companies like Apple and Disney aren’t on the big, happy bandwagon. But don’t fear. In a short time, they will either be out of business (like they deserve) or see the light like everyone else.

Doesn’t that sound great? At last no more aggravation that you can’t play music on your Linux PC because the MP3 codec isn’t installed. No, finally you can be sure that no digital content, even if you bought it on a DVD and physically carried it home, will be owned by you. Or can be played on Linux. The Linux community, which has been spread like a virus for years, will be reduced again to the weirdos, sociopaths and communists. McCarthy would be so happy.

There is just one tiny problem. In Europe, there are some people called “data protection commissioners”. Unlike the name suggests, they are purely evil and as soon as they learn what the companies behind UV can do with the data they collect about the valued customers, they might try to outlaw the technology! Fret not, dear reader, the stupi…insight of the masses have always worked in our favor.

It won’t take long before new governments will be elected by careful persuasion of you with a little help of the, say, more “private” or, well, “odd” purchases you make. And if that doesn’t work, it should be possible to extrapolate your income this way and gently nudge the IRS who will be thankful of the service rendered by the law-abiding[*] companies behind the great new technology Ultraviolet!

[*] Read “we are the law”! And don’t you forget it! Now buy! The tires on my Ferrari are already dusty from the ride this morning! Yuck! I need a new one! Life is so … so … unjust!